I'm an introvert and I desire community

Notes on friendship

Photo by Chang Duong on Unsplash

I am an introvert. Though, I think a more appropriate description would be "ambivert", someone who sits in the middle of the introversion and extroversion spectrum. I'd wager that many of us actually identify this way as, in my view, nothing is ever clear cut. I'm not a particularly sociable person, though I do enjoy it every now and then. It energises me and gives me a boost, but I do need to recover afterwards. What I do know is that I enjoy my own company. I rarely get bored as I can always find something to do. Moving around slowly, quietly and peacefully is my natural rhythm.

I'm also shy and I always have been. It was how I was always described as a child. In social situations where I don't know anybody, or there are a lot of people, I usually won't speak unless I'm spoken to. I prefer to remain quiet. I like to listen, to observe. I find people and their quirks endlessly fascinating. I have certainly felt the pressure to not be this way. At the start of every new year, I used to tell myself that I will be more confident and break out of my shyness. Though I have made leaps and bounds in my confidence since I was a child, I will always be shy. I have come to accept this and no longer feel compelled to try and be someone I am not. Shyness is not a flaw.

In more recent years, I have become exceedingly socially anxious. I get anxious in the lead up to socialising. I'm also anxious when I'm there. Normally, it goes away. Sometimes, it doesn't. Socialising can make me feel vulnerable. It can feel like people’s eyes are boring into me. I have the tendency to overthink, so I come away from social situations replaying them in my head.

Introverted, shy, socially anxious. It's not a fun combination to be. It often feels like I'm living in an extrovert's world, like the planet we all call home wasn't meant for people like me. It means I retreat into myself and my own thoughts often. It means I hear a lot of people say things like:

• "You're quiet, aren't you?"

• "I think that's the first time I've heard you speak"

• "It would be great if you could participate more"

• "We'd really like to see you, it's been a long time since we last saw your face"

What I do relish, though, is when I find my people. The people that are like me, or the people that understand me. The ones I don't have to explain myself to. The ones who don't make me feel like I have to change myself to be accepted. We all need people like that in our lives. We all need people.

It's becoming increasingly worrying, then, that we are rapidly headed towards chronic widespread isolation and loneliness. How has this happened? Even though there are 8 billion people on this planet, we are all now more disconnected than ever. I'd confidently place bets on a number of causes: the reliance on social media, not being paid enough money and having to work too much, mental and physical health problems that are going untreated because of crumbling health services, and of course the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic. This is not an exhaustive list and definitely does not cover all bases of loneliness. But, it highlights that the world around us is currently not allowing much space for a sense of community.

Even though I am an intro/ambiverted, shy, socially anxious person...I desire community. To me, forming communities and being connected with people almost feels like a radical act of resistance. In a world that is driving us all apart on a daily basis, and is profiting from people's loneliness, reconnecting with others is one of the most important things we can do.

I've always thrived better on a one-to-one basis. I love catching up with one friend at a time, because it means we can truly focus on one another and build a great connection. I don't have a friendship circle. All of the friends I have are those I have found a genuine connection with. We walk through life and we pick up people along the way. I don't have many friends, and barely any of them live near me. But, I cherish the ones I do have. We often have to rely on technology to keep them going. This isn’t a bad thing – in our current world, technology is a lifeline for so many relationships.

I do, however, enjoy group settings when it's the right environment. I've been plucking up the courage to join the book club at my local library. For me, being able to talk about a topic I actually like always sets me on the right foot. I love books and reading, and so I'm determined to attend this group. This may seem silly or frivolous to some, but for me it's somewhat of a hurdle to get over.

Although I've personally found friendships and building connections to be somewhat difficult in my adult life, I crave having people around me. I feel it's human nature to want a sense of community. I’d guess that many of us on Substack feel this way, in fact it may have been the reason we chose to join this platform in the first place.

I’m now in my late 20s, and friendship seems to me to be a beautiful, difficult, wonderful, fragile thing. All we can do is try our best to navigate this rocky terrain. We must not switch ourselves off to the possibility of friendship – having people that actively choose to be in your life is a gift. In my pursuit of slow living, my circle has understandably become smaller. Nowadays, I’m focused on nurturing quality friendships with people I want to be in my life for a long, long time. I’m forever grateful for the ones that have stuck by my side.