There's no one who doesn't need people; introverts are just more selective, discriminating, and assess the costs of friendships.
I used to be extroverted when I was younger, but something began to change in my late 20s. Now, at 33, I talk much less, I'm more introspective, value my space a lot more, and must admit that I struggle to tolerate and have patience for what I judge not to be worth my time.
I agree regarding the things you place bets on (about isolation and loneliness), but I also believe that as we age, we get to know more, aren't as patient with low-quality associations, and thus inevitably filter more for friendship.
There is a point we must not forget: the deeper a mind, the lonelier one gets. It's no accident that many of the philosophers you know of remained unmarried at a time when it was very unusual to be so.
Many things to think about. Thank you, Leah, as always.
The introversion-extroversion continuum is all about what energizes you. Are you internally or externally driven? There are shy extroverts and outgoing introverts. Social awkwardness is not exclusive to introversion rather a function of self-confidence. I’m an introvert but not shy. I have to be juiced up internally before I take on crazy external activity. I prefer smaller group settings versus large events. Extroverts energize themselves by being out and about. They don’t mind the crowds and multiple stimuli. That recharges them whereas that is probably the fastest way to drain my battery.
Also the need for human connection is not a function of introversion or extroversion. It is a human need. You mentioned being in your late 20s. This is often when the connections we had from school begin to loosen as our friends begin to center themselves with their own families or a specific vision they have for themselves. This transition can be hard if we aren’t experiencing the same milestones simultaneously. Community structures from school were built-in. As adults we have to be much more intentional about finding even creating community. It’s hard to do because the creation was previously done for us. Now we have to do the heavy lifting. For introverts it may be a heavier lift because it can be an iterative process that will likely drain us quickly.
Glad you found it helpful. Most people's understanding of intro/extra-version is inaccurate. Or at the very least incomplete. I don't want you thinking so much of what you are experiencing is a result of where you fall on that continuum. It most certainly is not the only factor and I would argue not even the primary factor.
Thank you for sharing this. So much resonated with me. I’m not a huge fan of socialising, but there are times when I crave it. Perhaps selfishly, it has to be on my own terms though.
No man is an island - humans need relationships and community with other humans.
I currently identify as an introvert , I prefer more "me time" than before and I am very picky with who and how I spend my time. [ I still need a community and place more value on the quality]
I think Substack has been a positive change to main stream social media for now at least.
I think loneliness poses a real risk! We've all got to become aware of it and do whatever we can to make sure we maintain a sense of community. Thanks so much for commenting!
+1 and can totally relate - I vividly remember one time when I had to go to a 3-day conference for work. This was even before the pandemic. The lead up was excruciating, even more so than the event itself that I ended up working through the night and weekends for weeks, because any sort of downtime will make me overthink and overworry about what’s to come. We're wired like this but it doesn't mean we don't enjoy socialising - we're just VERY selective and purposeful about it. You are not alone 🫶🏽
Janice, I relate to this so much! It's often the anticipation of something that is unbearable – I find that these events are never as bad as I imagine they will be! It's good to know that there are people out there like me that feel this way. Thanks so much for your comment 😊
"What I do relish, though, is when I find my people. The people that are like me, or the people that understand me. The ones I don't have to explain myself to. The ones who don't make me feel like I have to change myself to be accepted." I hear and feel this. Thanks for sharing!! XO
I felt like you were talking about me a lot in here. One thought I had was the idea of the "masks" we wear in different situations: we are a different person with our significant other than we are with our parents; we're a different person with a stranger than we are with a friend. Each situation calls for a different "version" of ourselves to show up.
For me, being the "outgoing" version of myself can be tiring and I usually need to recharge but as I've begun to challenge and reshape my self-concept, who I "think" myself to be, I'm finding it easier to be in social settings without needing any down time.
That said, I think identity is flexible and adaptable - we are different people at different times of our lives. It's really a matter of what version of ourselves we've grown most accustomed to being.
It's always a good feeling when you read something that you so heavily identify with! Totally agree about the masks, I'm such a different person depending on who I'm with – I find that people bring out different sides of my personality. I think it's actually such a lovely thought because it makes you realise that we are all deeply complex, multifaceted beings! Thanks so much for such a thoughtful comment, David 😊
I totally resonate with this, thank you for sharing Leah xx
I'm glad you could relate, Charlotte! Thanks so much for commenting 😊 xx
I’m an introvert with a deep desire for human connection. My guess is there are a lot of us.
There certainly is, Dan! It's all about us all finding each other. Thanks so much for commenting!
There's no one who doesn't need people; introverts are just more selective, discriminating, and assess the costs of friendships.
I used to be extroverted when I was younger, but something began to change in my late 20s. Now, at 33, I talk much less, I'm more introspective, value my space a lot more, and must admit that I struggle to tolerate and have patience for what I judge not to be worth my time.
I agree regarding the things you place bets on (about isolation and loneliness), but I also believe that as we age, we get to know more, aren't as patient with low-quality associations, and thus inevitably filter more for friendship.
There is a point we must not forget: the deeper a mind, the lonelier one gets. It's no accident that many of the philosophers you know of remained unmarried at a time when it was very unusual to be so.
Many things to think about. Thank you, Leah, as always.
Thank you for such a thoughtful and insightful comment, Patrick! It's good to know there are fellow introverts out there reading my work 😊
The introversion-extroversion continuum is all about what energizes you. Are you internally or externally driven? There are shy extroverts and outgoing introverts. Social awkwardness is not exclusive to introversion rather a function of self-confidence. I’m an introvert but not shy. I have to be juiced up internally before I take on crazy external activity. I prefer smaller group settings versus large events. Extroverts energize themselves by being out and about. They don’t mind the crowds and multiple stimuli. That recharges them whereas that is probably the fastest way to drain my battery.
Also the need for human connection is not a function of introversion or extroversion. It is a human need. You mentioned being in your late 20s. This is often when the connections we had from school begin to loosen as our friends begin to center themselves with their own families or a specific vision they have for themselves. This transition can be hard if we aren’t experiencing the same milestones simultaneously. Community structures from school were built-in. As adults we have to be much more intentional about finding even creating community. It’s hard to do because the creation was previously done for us. Now we have to do the heavy lifting. For introverts it may be a heavier lift because it can be an iterative process that will likely drain us quickly.
Thanks so much for such an insightful comment, Johanna. This has given me much to think about 😊
Glad you found it helpful. Most people's understanding of intro/extra-version is inaccurate. Or at the very least incomplete. I don't want you thinking so much of what you are experiencing is a result of where you fall on that continuum. It most certainly is not the only factor and I would argue not even the primary factor.
Thank you for sharing this. So much resonated with me. I’m not a huge fan of socialising, but there are times when I crave it. Perhaps selfishly, it has to be on my own terms though.
Totally agree with you, David! Thanks so much for commenting 😊
"We all need people" - I love this.
No man is an island - humans need relationships and community with other humans.
I currently identify as an introvert , I prefer more "me time" than before and I am very picky with who and how I spend my time. [ I still need a community and place more value on the quality]
I think Substack has been a positive change to main stream social media for now at least.
Thanks for sharing Leah.
Completely agree, Tinashe. We all need each other! As always, thanks so much for engaging 😊
I think loneliness has become a plague-like black shadow descending on civilization.
I think loneliness poses a real risk! We've all got to become aware of it and do whatever we can to make sure we maintain a sense of community. Thanks so much for commenting!
You're welcome.
+1 and can totally relate - I vividly remember one time when I had to go to a 3-day conference for work. This was even before the pandemic. The lead up was excruciating, even more so than the event itself that I ended up working through the night and weekends for weeks, because any sort of downtime will make me overthink and overworry about what’s to come. We're wired like this but it doesn't mean we don't enjoy socialising - we're just VERY selective and purposeful about it. You are not alone 🫶🏽
Janice, I relate to this so much! It's often the anticipation of something that is unbearable – I find that these events are never as bad as I imagine they will be! It's good to know that there are people out there like me that feel this way. Thanks so much for your comment 😊
This piece is deeply validating, Leah. One of those times when you wish you knew the author in person. :)
I'm glad you could relate to it, Nitya! Thanks so much for your comment 😊
Thanks for sharing!!
Many out there do need communities
Completely agree – we've all got to seek them out where possible! Thanks for your comment 😊
"What I do relish, though, is when I find my people. The people that are like me, or the people that understand me. The ones I don't have to explain myself to. The ones who don't make me feel like I have to change myself to be accepted." I hear and feel this. Thanks for sharing!! XO
I'm glad it resonated with you, Danielle 😊 thanks so much for commenting!
I felt like you were talking about me a lot in here. One thought I had was the idea of the "masks" we wear in different situations: we are a different person with our significant other than we are with our parents; we're a different person with a stranger than we are with a friend. Each situation calls for a different "version" of ourselves to show up.
For me, being the "outgoing" version of myself can be tiring and I usually need to recharge but as I've begun to challenge and reshape my self-concept, who I "think" myself to be, I'm finding it easier to be in social settings without needing any down time.
That said, I think identity is flexible and adaptable - we are different people at different times of our lives. It's really a matter of what version of ourselves we've grown most accustomed to being.
Thanks for sharing :)
It's always a good feeling when you read something that you so heavily identify with! Totally agree about the masks, I'm such a different person depending on who I'm with – I find that people bring out different sides of my personality. I think it's actually such a lovely thought because it makes you realise that we are all deeply complex, multifaceted beings! Thanks so much for such a thoughtful comment, David 😊